Kristen McMain Oaks
- May 17, 2022
- 4 min read
Married at 53 to Dallin H Oaks
Background
Kristen Oaks is known for her background in education. She has multiple degrees, and spent many years of her life as a consultant for a large publishing company. She attended both the University of Utah and Brigham Young University. She served a mission in Japan. When she was 53, she married Elder Dallin H Oaks. When he was Area President in the Philippines, Kristen taught and trained the auxiliaries (4). She has learned to adjust to joining a family, and finding her place as a second wife. She and her husband currently live in Salt Lake City, Utah (5).
Accomplishments
Kristen has as Bachelor's Degree in English and a Master's Degree in Special Education from the University of Utah. She also has a Doctorate Degree in Curriculum and Instruction from Brigham Young University. She has travelled all over the world for her job as an educational consultant for a large publisher. She has written 4 books, one of which is about her experience as a single woman for over 50 years, entitled "A Single Voice" (1). She currently serves on the board of trustees of the Deseret International Foundation and the Primary Children's Hospital (4).
"If you cannot bear the difficulties and challenges of single life, you will never be able to bear the difficulties and challenges of married life." - words from a priesthood blessing given to Kristen Oaks
Stories
In 2000, she was feeling like she needed a change in her life. She went to her bishop for a priesthood blessing to help her decide what that change was. In the blessing, he told her, "If you do not quit your job, you will have your blessings in the eternities but not this life" (1). Presumably, this referred to the blessing of marriage. She was traveling a lot for work, and felt that it was necessary to find employment at home. She said, "for a single sister, giving up financial security is no easy thing. I had no new job to go to. I had to go on faith to resign from my job" (1). On July 1, she followed the direction, and resigned from her job. Her aunts then set up an appointment for her to meet with their nephew, Elder M Russell Ballard, since he could connect her to Deseret Book and other publishing companies. Little did she know, but around this same time, Elder Dallin H Oaks had called Elder Ballard asking for help finding a new wife (1).
On July 7, a week after resigning from her job, Kristen and Elder Oaks went on their first date, courtesy of Elder Ballard. Kristen had just had a perm, and wore a baseball cap to hide her curls. Elder Oaks, brought his daughter Sharmon along to meet Kristen. They went on a walk and Kirsten said it felt like a meeting between "three longtime friends" (1). Kristen acknowledges that while meeting an apostle in a baseball cap and jeans was not ideal, it allowed her to feel less press and to be herself. Elder Oaks was impressed, and they continued seeing each other.
Lessons
In her book, Kristen shared an analogy from a friend, that she felt fully encapsulates the single experience. "I said to you that I dot believe that men love women because that is easier for me to believe than the other conclusion I can draw- that men do not love me. I suspect you can see how a generalization is less devastating. I have considered why marriage matters so much (besides the commandment and having children). I have come to the conclusion that women believe marriage is proof that they have worth. It is the ultimate game of choosing sides for teams. It is hard to be picked last, but not to be chosen at all is unbearable- especially if you know you are a good player and can help the team. Not only are you excluded but you also have to stay around and watch the game. The members who were chosen wonder why you were not chosen. A multitude of reasons is invented, whether voiced or not. What answer do you give when someone dares to ask why you are not playing the game or why you were not chosen to play? The answer is that you do not know why you were not chosen, and it hurts because you would like to play" (3).
"I have come to believe that the Lord is trying to instruct us that blessings are not our ultimate objective for being on this earth. Our earthly objective is to build our relationship with Him and the qualities of character that will draw us near to Him." - Kristen Oaks
Having been a single woman for over 50 years, she acknowledges the pain that comes from these experiences. "Rather than the continuous loss experienced after a death, the hurt of singleness may ebb and flow over time and be triggered by circumstances like weddings, births, weekends, holidays, or family celebrations. Because of this noncontinuous process, it never feels quite legitimate to grieve. Confusion, loneliness, sadness, hurt, and hopelessness are grief feelings, however. And with each passing year, the loss feels more potent and painful" (3). Kristen, however, reminds singles that their marriage status does not define their contribution to the world. She explains, "Nursery children do not look to see if you have a ring on your finger as you wipe away their tears. It doesn't take a wedding license to feed hungry Scouts or missionaries or shut-ins. Nowhere on the tithing slip do you indicate martial status as you contribute to the Church's humanitarian service or the Perpetual Education Fund. And they don't have two doors at the temple- one for couples and one for singles. We are a church that needs faithful workers" (3).
References
Oaks, Kristen. A Single Voice. Deseret Book, 2008.
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